Good Morning FB Peeps!!! Some of you know that I have been taking time first thing every morning to write in a journal. This morning, I have decided to use that time to write for my pitiful lonely blog.
Life has been wonderful, things have been falling into place and going my way. I have stayed on track with my goals, working hard sun up to sun down every day! Eating dinner at the table as a family every night and then relaxing with my family in a clean house on Sundays. And Saturdays, well we have started our Christmas shopping and the rest of the Saturday we take turns picking something to go out and do together as a family. . . Can’t wait for Greenville’s outdoor ice rink to open!! I’m feeling great and very well accomplished in all I’ve set out to do! As a wife and mom, I feel successful, and God and I have never been tighter!
….now if you believe ANY of that, I have some ocean front property I want to sell you in Arizona!
Like so many, I hide behind the façade of “I’ve got it all together”, and God forbid any of you who also have it “all together” know that I don’t. My life has changed drastically in the last few years, and it has caused me to feel very different about many things. I’ve been told that my way of feeling and thinking right now isn’t . . .ummmm, shall we say, popular. I’ve been told my way of thinking now, is something people don’t want to hear because it’s not “happy”. Maybe to some it doesn’t sound “happy”, but for me, I feel it has allowed me to finally be able to accept me as I am, and life as it is. Am I happy? Not all the time, matters of fact, I have struggled for the last 2 years with depression….. See that’s one of those things I’m not suppose to share and you aren’t suppose to know about me. For the longest time, I didn’t think it was depression because my idea of what depression looked like was not me. I still function in my roles every day, and most days I’m in a great mood and loving life. “I’m just having some bad days”, is what I told myself. I finally understood the saying, “Those with the biggest smiles are sometimes the ones hiding the most pain.” You won’t see me break down or moping around feeling sorry for myself. When you see me, I plan to be smiling and loving life. And it’s not because I’m trying to keep up a façade for you. It’s because I refuse to let depression steal my life from me. I actually did not intend to go this route with this blog but maybe someone needed to hear it.
The truth about me is that life has not always been wonderful and going my way. There are many circumstances in my life I wish I could change, but I will keep moving forward enjoying the Blessings I do have and focusing on what I can change. I have not stayed on track with all my goals…. This is the first time in about 2 weeks that I have taken that quiet time in the morning to write and the 5k I wanted to be ready to do this month isn’t gonna happen. But today I’m writing and there’s always a 5k that I can start preparing for. And I do have days I work sun up to sun down, but somehow my to do list never seems to get shorter. We usually eat dinner in the living room because our stacks of clean clothes never seem to find there way off the family table and to their designated drawers. And a clean house???… Lets just say it’s a work in progress of where I never seem to make much progress! Start Christmas shopping?!?!?! I’m just hoping to get it started by the last weekend before Christmas! And doing things together as a family on Saturdays. . .it’s 30 degrees outside, we are hibernating till Spring! ….and as for Greenville’s ice rink, I ain’t about to fight for a parallel parking space, fight the crowd of Parent’s and their screaming kids, to have a go at falling on my butt so many times on ice that I will leave with a solid sheet of ice on the seat of my pants! Most days I’m not feeling great, with knots in my back, aching knees, etc. And it has been a while since I felt accomplished. . .I’m behind on everything! As a mom and wife, I make mistakes, but I love my family and they know that. And God…. Well, I’ve been asking a lot of questions and it’s been kind of quiet listening for answers.
Even as I write this, I’m trying to talk myself out of posting it…. Telling myself, “you sound like you’re having a pity party, people are going to think you’re just looking for attention, people are going to think you’re nuts”. Truth is that maybe you will think some of those things and it may sound like a pity party to some. I can’t control what anyone thinks or how this post is perceived, but none of those were my intentions. I’m just exhausted from “keeping it all together” and if I’m the only one feeling this way then so be it, but if I’m not then maybe this post will help someone else who is also exhausted from “keeping it all together” that it’s ok to feel this way.
And just so it doesn’t sound all doom and gloom. . .I do have many things in my life that are tremendous blessings. I have hobbies I love, and I have fun laughing and cutting up with my boys, and anyone who knows me knows how much I love the volunteer work I get to do! I love who I am, there is room for improvement, but overall I love me! I’m quirky and a little weird, but its part of my charm! And I have family and friends I wouldn’t trade for anything! And any goals I haven’t reached, I am still working on, as long as I’ve not given up then I’ve not failed. Overall my life is good, I just chose to focus more in this post on the parts that ain’t so perfect. Most of the time, I’m actually a very goofy and cheery (not cherry) person!! 🙂
What I hope you’re able to take away from this, is simply that it is ok to not have it all together!
Ok, I gotta go. . . about to be running late for the hair color appointment I have today to cover my roots that I have let grow out about 3 inches!!